Thursday, February 28, 2008

树欲静而风不止、子欲养而亲不在

新加坡的鸡饭,有便宜,也有贵的。
价钱从$2.50 到 $20不等,差别在于,你是去小贩中心还是文华酒店。
我不会买$2.50的鸡饭给你,也不会买名牌的鸡饭-你肯定会骂我浪费。
我会买$5的鸡腿饭给你,再加上$3的有机水果和$2的甜品。

不是不舍得买贵点的鸡饭给你,只是我要为明天打算,确保你每天都不必为了三餐担忧。便宜的鸡饭,就留给我们吧!

抱歉,能给你的不多,最好的我们给不起,但是别人有的,我发誓,你一定也会有。

那天,临走前去陪了你一个下午,看着你因早上电疗而疲倦的呼呼入睡,心里想着的,却是自己将为了工作,必须暂时离你而远去,让你孤军做仗,心,好不舍,好无奈哦。

社工说,你看得好开,唯一担心的,是会连累我们这些孩子,多谢我们给你的支持。听完后,顾不得是在喧闹的街市,泪水又缺堤了。

你要独立的决心,我们都看在眼里。上厕所时,你坚强的尝试用颤抖的双脚自己站起来,我都好佩服你。
看着你用双手推动轮椅,自己练习不依赖别人的帮助,我好骄傲。
多希望,下次我回去时,你就能恢复行动的能力,不再需要等待别人的帮助。

你要吸烟,大家都不再阻止了,你喜欢抽,随你高兴,现在,连顽固的姐姐也不反对了。

你很坚强,生病至今,都没有看你留过一滴眼泪。最没用 就是我了,一缸一缸的眼泪,没日没夜无节制地飙出来。

这几天,无时无刻我都在想,难听点,这可能使我们的福气吧!让你得了癌症而不是其他病症。上天让你和妈妈得了同样的病,经过上次的磨练,这次,我们应该会做的更好,也知道如何有心理准备。

不想留有遗憾,如果冥冥中那里有神明的话,请给我多几个月时间,让我续完约后,再好好的照顾您。现在的我,还没有那种足够的能力来用钱毁约,马上飞奔回家陪你。

现在唯一能做的,就是为您诵经,回向功德,祝愿您身体健康、法喜充满。

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

一次过流光眼泪

只想
找个阴暗的角落
蹲着
躺着
清静、沉思

如果
用一天的时间
可以把我眼库里的泪
都流光
我会用24小时
独自悲伤
这样
第二天
我就有足够的勇气
用欢笑见人

分期付款的眼泪
弄得我
好累
好累

那一年
我用了好久的时间
才学会适应没有妈妈的日子
再学会欢笑

这次
我需要多久
才可以不挂上这个虚伪的假笑呢
强装
一切无恙

下一个春天
我还拥有你吗

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

抱歉,我做不到

妈妈临死前,我答应过她,会好好地照顾你。但是,显然地,我没有遵守我的诺言,竟然让你身体的癌症进入第四期时才发现。
10年前的噩梦,原以为已经过了,怎么知道,10年后我们又要在来一次。
那把刀,又在结疤的伤口上,狠狠地加多一刀,然后,涂上厚厚的盐巴。
仿佛还不够痛,血的味道竟引来了一只、两只。。。无数只小蚂蚁,像饥荒了好久,在同样的伤口上,慢慢的啃咬。

夜半醒来,我会以为自己在做梦,你并没有病。还是像3个星期前一样,骑着你那辆半新不久的脚踏车去工作,不是现在躺在病床上,无力四处走动的病人。
我很想停止哭泣,但是,抱歉,我还做不到。给我时间来准备、接受及面对。

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

my 'best' friend- cancer

1998, i was told that my mum had cancer, final stage.

2008, i was told that my dad had cancer too, final stage.

they have so many similar symt..bone cancer/cervical/prostate cancer...all spreading here n there.

had to stay strong in front of daddy,but when i m home at night, alone in the bedroom,tears just started to flow nonstop...

went with him for radiotherapy yesterday n today...the moment he stepped into the room, i started taking outmy tissue...that 10 minutes of waiting, just remind me so many things n yet so little time.

i had to go back to jakarta this sunday to continue my contract till june...doctors said average is 12 months...

i m looking at the bright side...n betting on the million dollars toto this thursday...if only i win it n then i can just end my contract now n spend more quality time with him...money is always the problem n i hv to be realistic, the journey is still very long.

Monday, February 4, 2008

7 hours at the airport

The flood in jakarta was horrible last friday when i came back....
it started raining non-stop since last thursday night..well, not so serious then but it became heavier ar 10am...the school got panicked at 1030am n decide to ask all the students to go home...no lesson from that time onward.

i was suppose to go back to singapore that day taking the 3pm flight since dad is not well...planned to leave school around 1pm, then change to 12noon because of the flood...driver refused to send me to airport due to the bad weather n jam on the road....after much threatening n begging, he finally agreed but unwillingly...should i say black face?

roads to the airport were all jammed n flooded to almost waist level..if u are daring n rushing for time, go ahead n swim....after 1.5hr(instead of the usual half an hour), i finally reached terminal 2..

my flight was delayed...initially they told me 6pm can fly cos airport open at 330pm..then at 6pm they told me 8pm,then 9pm,10pm....
finally, around 10pm, an airport coach sent us to terminal 1 to take our flight...the whole bus of passengers all exclimed when we saw the blue logo of VALUEAIR right infront of us...i was trapped in the airport for almost 7hours...i hv never miss going back home safely so badly.

dad was aldy sleeping by the time i reached home ar 1am...no one welcome me except for my faithful boy : mr pager....he licked me with all his love n warm n saliva...oh! Home sweet home!